An Everyday Life

Sometimes there are times in your life where all of a sudden everything just feels off.  You have this built up frustration, anger, whatever and can't even put a finger on it.  Most of the time you never even feel it come on and then all of sudden you find yourself crying and going through all these things in your head that could maybe be why you find yourself like this. 

I can't explain why things like this happen.  I doubt if anyone can.  Maybe its just another challenge God is throwing my way to see what I can handle.  Then I remind myself that God never gives us anything we can't handle.  The worst part of all this is its not even anything big.  Maybe its a bunch of small things that have built up.  Maybe I'm just crazy, ha.  I wouldn't be surprised.  I guess I just feel like my life is so routine. 

Why am I so happy yet feel like this now?  I have an amazing boyfriend that I'm so madly in love with, awesome friends who have stuck by me through it all, two jobs, finishing school, about to start soccer, an awesome family and its summer.  Maybe thats my problem.  My summer does not feel like summer.  I feel like I have more in my life now then I did when I was in regular classes.  I guess its my own fault.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Its my responsibility to be more responsible for myself and its my fault I got myself so involved.  I guess maybe I try too hard to take on too many things at once.  I try to be superwoman and I need to come back down and realize I'm just an average girl.  Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself.  But honestly, I'm not so sure that's such a bad thing.  To an extent, yes, but I have not once complained about this, well until now, ha.

If you are still reading this by now you must be bored.  Im sorry this sounds so petty.  I guess sometimes I just feel better after writing it all down and seeing it in front of myself.  So.........back to life, back to reality, back to the life I love.  I just need to learn how to handle it all better.  That's all.....................I'll be ok. 

So I know it's been awhile but there used to be a time in my life where writing helped me though MANY difficult situations and I feel I should and need to go back to that.  Not that I have difficult situations bombarding me because I don't.  I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love to death and loves me back just as much.  But...........to be honest, I just miss it.  I don't even care if no one reads this ever as long as it helps me vent. 

If someone were to ask me "whats one thing in your life you wish you could change?" it would be jealousy.  Jealousy is the worst thing in the entire world.  What I don't understand is why I never used to be a jealous person AT ALL and now I'm crazy jealous.  I guess there is just something about knowing someone else has had what you have now, that eats a person up inside.  Especially when it's the person you want and know you will be with for the rest of your life.  If you think about it, it's completely stupid because you know that person has no one else on their mind but you and you too have a past but still somehow, for some reason, it just eats at you. 

Maybe there just are some things that some people are better off never knowing or finding out but thats where being a curious person is a disadvantage.  Maybe I'm just crazy and think about things too much.  Yeah, honestly I know thats what my problem is.  Ha!  But still, I can't help it.  I'm crazy in love and because of that am crazy jealous about him.  Crazy?!  Yeah, probably.  But if becoming a jelous person is the negative of all the positive and more I have gained since he has been in my life, then I would'nt have it any other way.  What can i say?!  I love him with all my heart. :-)   

Decided maybe I should write a little since it's been awhile.  Don't really have an excuse for why I don't ever write anymore except been extremely busy with school, work, friends and Joey.  I guess sometimes other things come in to your life and all of sudden things that were important before aren't anymore.  Anyway........

Right now I am in Maple Grove, MN.  Came up here with the entire family for a Thanksgiving celebration.  There is nothing like 17 people all in ONE house.  :-)  There is also nothing like sleeping on Taekwondo mats, which you would think they would be comfortable, um no...........i might as well sleep on cement floors, haha.   Ok, it's not THAT bad, but not that good either. 

The weekend consisted of lots of food which I'm sure along came a few pounds as well.  Ha.  Oh well, that's supposed to happen around the holidays.  At least thats what I tell myself to make me feel better.  We also did a lot shopping at the outlet malls and MOA (mall of america, just in case).  I spent a whole lot of money I don't have, and almost all of it on myself.  Wow, Abbey, seriously you need help.  ha!  I guess we didn't just shop, we also went ice skating and to the holidazzle light parade in downtown Minneapolis.  Overall, it was a fun weekend as it always is.  It was good to get away for awhile from everything and just have fun. 

Well I guess that's all from me for now..............hope all had an awesome thanksgiving break! :-)

So I have had a few requests to update this thing.  It has been awhile.  Truth is, I have recently gotten a little addicted to myspace.com.  It's basically a facebook for those schools who don't have e-mail accounts and therefore cannot belong to facebook.  I guess I spend more time there but I do miss writing out my life stories. Haha.

So right now the big news on campus is that I am having a hair crisis.   I decided yesterday to take a leap and dye my hair darker.  Yes, darker.  I've NEVER had dark hair which is exactly why I wanted to do it.  I figured I needed a change and season is over so why not right?!  Wrong.  I should have known better.  You would think I would have learned from all my other hair experiences.  I can' t tell you how many times I have cried about a haircut or color before.  I try to tell myself it's just hair and it will grow back but it isn't doing the job.  Sad day............what to do?!

I guess that's all for now.  I'll update on personal issues later, but I need sleep.  Goodnight.

Wow, didn't really realize it has almost been a month since I have updated this thing.  Ha, oops!  So yeah, been pretty busy.   You know how it goes: soccer, school and work.  Soccer has been going pretty well.  We ended our regular season games 13-4-1.  Sounds pretty good, but is actually really disappointing because we lost two games to teams we should not have.  But on the good side, we got a wild card into Regionals.  This will be the first time Bellevue Women's soccer has EVER gone to Regionals, so that's pretty cool.  We also host the first Regional games so that's even cooler.  We have Conference this weekend and play Park tomorrow at 1 at CSM.  Park is the team we tied in OT this year.  Should be a good game.  We are hoping to set another school record of the first Conference Title.  We'll see.......keep your fingers crossed.

In other news.........well actually I will get to other news later.  I need to shower before The O.C. and Everwood which I am extremely excited for. :-)

I have a good friend who also has a blog that wrote something today that really caught my attention.  It is exactly what I have been trying to find words to say and it's exactly how I feel.  I have not asked if it would be ok to use his words here on my blog, but I am hoping he will be okay with it.  I love the kid and if he isn't ok with it,  oh well.  No, I'm kidding.  I don't think he'll care.  I just wanted to share it with others.  So here is what he wrote:

"Dear World,
Can i ask you a question? take it for what its worth.. nothing more.. is love constantly repeating your desires to let me know how unimportant my life is?  i could be wrong.. the life i live now is a huge testament of how wrong i can be.. my thoughts of love probably won't go beyond the ears of those around me. .. but to me.. Many things don't describe love..  just being with someone is not love, not kisses.. its not buying dinner or presents.. its not a hug or a gentle touch as you look into someones eyes.. its not a word.. and it can't be written.. its merely a desire to make someone better. to love them unconditionally.. without regret without remorse without desire of any benifit in return. its a feeling deep inside to wish everything good upon the person you love. to make sure their time here on this earth was spent in laughter. to make sure when they arise they can look out the window and wish to discover what is out there.. to discover every other feeling that they do not feel day to day.. to feel what its like to have hate, remorse, envy, fear, anger.... all because you fullfill all their needs of joy, peace, comfort and.. ofcourse.. love.  when going through what i believe is love i know that i am guilty of not following what i believe.. i'm sorry.. my heart desires to love.. its my pride. anger and stupidity that plague my path to love. i beg for you to hear my cries and pleading.. begging for forgiveness for trying to ruin the most sacred feeling that God gave us. that is my apology.. until i hear i am forgiven..i sit upon my stool of thoughts.. trying to contemplate a way to one day.. love again"

I could not have said it any better...........Thanks kiddo. :-)

Today I participated in the Life Chain on 72nd street.  For those that aren't familiar with it, its an hour where you stand out on 72nd street holding signs against abortion.  It was really interesting to see peoples reactions.  Honestly, I was suprised that there was, by far, more people who agreed with us.  We received many waves, thumbs up, and honking.  There were the occasional fingers given and thumbs down, but surprisingly very few. 

It feels good to stand up for something you are strongly against.  It feels even better to know there are others out there that agree with you.  I found out today that last year was a record low of abortions in the U.S.  Its awesome to know that maybe standing up for this is actually starting to work.  I drive by an abortion clinic almost every single day.  There are always people there protesting with some pretty gruesome pictures but I have never actually been apart of the protest against it.  And to everyone that complains about seeing the pictures, here is what I have to say: It's true.  Bottom line, those pictures are true. 

I don't want to preach about what you should or shouldnt believe because quite honestly it's almost always a lost cause.  But I will say this: It has been scientifically proven that from the moment of conception the genetic DNA from both the mother and father can be found.  It is only a matter of letting it grow and develop into a distinguishable human being.  It's hard for me to understand why it is not socially accepted and/or right to take a gun and kill, whether it be, a day old child or an 80 year old man, but some feel it's ok to kill a human being that just hasn't been given the chance to live outside of the mother.  You tell me where the difference is between being able to choose when that day old child or 80 old man is supposed to die and when an unborn child is supposed to die.   I just don't get it.  No one has the right to choose when another life should be taken out of this world and no one should take another life out of this world just because they made a mistake.  Okay, enough preaching.   :-)    

By: Amos Lee (I was listening to this while studying and realized how perfect it fit my situation from the previous post.  Besides, its a great song.)

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way
Whoa, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take a my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take a my cares away

Oh, dear savior
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, dear savior
Gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

Oh, sweet whiskey, lord
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa sweet whiskey lord
Your gone gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

Your gonna take my bottle, my bible, my mess
Your gonna take all of my empty and my loneliness
Gonna take all of that sadness inside of me
Gonna take it all and set me free

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way

I should be studying right now, since I have a Zoology test tomorrow and  Microbiology and Organic Chemistry tests Wednesday, but too many thoughts are consuming my mind.  Maybe if I get things out on paper (or this screen, ha) I will be able to concentrate more. 

I'm not really sure where to start what exactly to say.  I just know that I have SO much on my mind and it's really starting to tear me apart.  I guess I go through these periods where I am doing so well with everything.  Everything seems to be going my way and then there are times where everything falls apart.  I guess the good thing about it is that at least all the bad isn't spread out so that I am never happy.  I'd rather have multiple bad things at once and deal with them all together.

One of the worst feelings in the world, that is consuming me now, is not being able to achieve what I want SO badly for myself.  This doesn't apply to just one thing for me right now which makes matters that much worse.  I guess it's just hard for me sit back and see someone else have what I deserve and want more.  I have this empty feeling with so many things that used to be so full.  I can't figure out how to fill it back in.  I'm at a loss for what to do or what to even attempt to do.  I know that someday I will look back and see how small this probably is and I will by then know my future with everything up to that point, but what if I don't move on in the future with what I've always wanted for myself?! 

 It scares me to death that I don't know what's going to happen with anything.  I wish that I could look in to my future and just see that everything will work out.  I know everyone says, in the end it will all be ok, but honestly what if it isn't.  I don't want to settle for less than I deserve, want, and can achieve for myself.  I guess with that I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes that sits on my dresser............"everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end."  Now I just have to start believing that. :-/

By: Bonnie Summerville

Well, the rain keeps on coming down
It feels like a flood in my head
And that road keeps on calling me
Screaming to everything lying ahead

And it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
I still don't know
Where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
I still have hope
I'm gonna find my way home

And I can see a little house
On top of the hill
And I can smell the ocean
The salt in the air
And I can see you
You're standing there
And you're washing your car
And I can see California sun in your hair

And its a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
Still don't know
Where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
Still have hope
I'm gonna find my way home

All these dreams took me so far
And I felt I just couldn't go on
And I want to hang
Out the window of your car
And see just how good this baby can run

'Cause it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
And I still don't know
Where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
Still have hope
We're gonna find our way home

It's a winding road
Still have hope
One day we'll find our way home
It's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
Still have hope
We're gonna find our way home

It's a long way home
It's a long way home